this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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