pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
