I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
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