nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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