she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
