I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
My vagina just recognized that song.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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