he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
