at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
