A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I am mentally ready for anal.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
