I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
