after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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