I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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