I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
