woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
