could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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