there's paper in my vomit.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize