I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
