I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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