Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
