pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
