Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
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