It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
