i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
