I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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