He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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