85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
