i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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