He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
