sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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