and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
