i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
