My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
you didnt know i had herpes?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
