just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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