All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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