The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He shit in the fireplace
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize