Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
