just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
