Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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