Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
