thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
