just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize