i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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