All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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