Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
