you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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