My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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