I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
