Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
