Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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