i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
