I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
