John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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