Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
