I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
