I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize