chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Can I color on your dick again?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
