Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You can't motorboat a personality
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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