y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
